And For You
by FillTheSpaces
Summary: "You don't have to do this alone. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you. You think you have to carry this burden on your shoulders. You've convinced yourself that the weight of it is just something more you have to bear while the hole in your heart is trying to heal. But that's not true, Kate. I can help carry it, I can take some of the weight." An AU take on 4X01 (Rise).
1. Chapter 1

**And For You**

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

 _Set during 4X01 (Rise). I've tweaked a tiny detail of the shooting for the story and the rest goes AU from there. I'm not sure how long it will be as I'm still writing it, but we'll see where it ends up._

* * *

 _I hear that you tried to save me._

 _Yeah, I uh, you heard? You don't remember me tackling you?_

 _No. I don't remember much of anything. I um, remember that I was on the podium and then I remember everything just going black._

 _You don't remember…the gunshot?_

 _No._

 _They say that there are some things that are better not being remembered._

 _Yeah._

 _Keep seeing his face, Castle, every time I close my eyes, I see Montgomery lying on the hangar floor. You should've let me go in there._

 _They would've killed you._

 _You don't know that._

 _Kate…_

 _Castle, I'm really tired right now._

 _Of course. We'll talk tomorrow._

 _Do you mind if we don't? I just need a little bit of time._

* * *

Their conversation plays on repeat in his head, like a broken record that he can't shut off. He's mulled over every word she said, over every careful syllable that she used with him just hours after she'd been shot. She asked him for time, time he assured that he'd give her.

She only remembered being at the podium and everything going black, and the sight of her, pale and weak in a too-white hospital room was enough for him to decide not to fill her in on any of it. The details are something that he re-lives almost every moment of every day, but it may be too much for her to re-live them too.

And he shouldn't be on his way to her dad's cabin where she's attempting to hide herself away from the world, shouldn't be about to invade every bit of her privacy and force her to face the things that he's not even sure he's ready to face himself. But he is, because they don't talk about their feelings, and that needs to change, before another near death experience becomes a lost chance.

The stitches on his arm burn when he stretches it a little too far while turning the wheel, a sharp hiss slipping from his parted lips as he drops the wounded warm back to his lap, lets his good arm take control of the wheel.

He hadn't even felt the pain in the midst of the chaos, too worried about the woman he loved to focus on anything else, but somewhere in the panic of getting Kate to the ground, a second shot had grazed his arm, just enough to need a few stitches and cause a good bit of discomfort, along with some ugly bruising.

It's a reminder, too much of one, that he could've lost her, and that he wasn't fast enough to keep her from being on the other end of the first shot. And those thoughts alone were enough to have him calling her dad, getting the details that she clearly didn't want him to have because she hasn't called.

He manages to awkwardly use his left arm to steer the car onto the gravel driveway, slowing the acceleration as he nears the front of the cabin, not wanting to alarm her. She's probably expecting it to be her dad, the only person that she's allowed to remain by her side while she recovers, and Castle is fairly certain that she's not going to be overly pleased to find him there instead.

* * *

It's quiet when he steps out of the car, and the gravel crunching loudly under his feet seems to echo around him, ricocheting off the trees that surround the cabin. He carries his bag with his good arm, takes time to become aware of his surroundings before quietly stepping up onto the porch and reaching for the handle on the door.

"Kate?" he calls out as he steps into the cabin, the wood floor creaking under his weight. His use of her first name is deliberate, more intimate than either of them is used to, but he's certain that softness is going to be needed with her, regardless of how angry she is that he's there.

The breath catches in his throat when sees her, propped against a mountain of pillows on the couch. She's pale, so pale that if he couldn't see her chest rising as the air fills her lungs, he'd be worried that she wasn't breathing at all. And the pain is so evident on her face, so prominent on nearly every feature, even as her lips part with the unasked question of why he's there.

He hates it. Seeing her like that, void of the fight that she's so strongly possessed since the moment he met her. It's enough to have his hands trembling, even as he eases his bag onto the floor, takes a cautious step towards her.

"I, uh, I just wanted to check on you," he murmurs quietly, loud enough for her to hear, but cautious still.

"Castle," she huffs, though it sounds more like a warning than anything else, and even just that one word seems to cause her more pain than it should, has him wincing for her.

"I told you…"

"I know," he cuts in, taking another step closer, careful and cautious. "I know you asked for time…said you'd call, but, Kate, I need to do this, to be here for you…"

She's already shaking her head before he even finishes his sentence, the slight tremble in his voice as he tapers off enough to have him squeezing his eyes shut, prepared for the words he knows are coming.

She has to swallow hard a few times, attempt a deeper breath than the ones she's been taking, and her knuckles blanch white as she grips the pillow on her lap harder than before, the next breath stuttering out of her lips in a broken pattern.

"I want to…need to do this alone, Castle. Please…" She's pleading, more with the way her eyes shine with unshed tears than with her voice, and he sees it all, feels it all more than he should, as if her pain in rooted deep in his bones.

"You don't," he states firmly, vehemently shaking his head as he forces one foot in front of the other until he can kneel on the floor beside her, brushing his fingertips over her blanched knuckles before he can think better of it.

"You don't have to do this alone. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you. You think you have to carry this burden on your shoulders. You've convinced yourself that the weight of it is just something more you have to bear while the hole in your heart is trying to heal. But that's not true, Kate. I can help carry it, I can take some of the weight. Please…"

He's pleading this time, foregoing cautious in favor of wrapping his fingers around hers, watching as her eyes flick to his hand before slowly lifting back to his face.

"Too tired to tell you to go," she murmurs, her eyes fluttering closed briefly before she forces them back open, a hint of pleading still visible there, but he ignores it, settles on the floor beside her and keeps his fingers wrapped around hers.

"Wouldn't even if you did. I'm here, Kate. I'm here."

* * *

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for reading! The support for this, even though I'm aware that this particular story-line as been fleshed out many times, has been awesome! I appreciate those of you who are so welcoming and supportive.

* * *

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

She wakes with a start a few hours later, the sudden movement pulling at the tender muscles in her chest, the whimper of pain slipping out before she can swallow it down. She needs another pain pill, something that she's entirely too willing to admit when the burning in her chest feels like it'll consume her entire being.

Castle's fingers brush against her arm in a calming, tentative touch and her wide, pain-filled eyes shift to his face, watching the concern that blooms across his features as he shifts closer to her.

"Hey, it's okay. You're okay," he reassures her softly, fingers tripping lightly down her arm to push softly through the spaces of her own.

"Hurts," she grits out, pressing her free hand against the throb of pain in her chest, squeezing her eyes shut against the wave of pain that has the muscles in her stomach clenching violently, the nausea creeping up her throat as she tries to swallow it down.

"I know, I'm sorry," he soothes, momentarily forgetting the stitches in his arm as he lifts his free hand to her forehead, barely swallowing back the hiss that tries to break free. He swallows thickly, brushes a strand of hair away from her face before dropping his protesting arm back to his side.

"Be right back," he promises, nearly leaning in to brush his lips against her cheek before thinking better or it. She's been pretty tolerant so far, he doesn't want to push his luck.

He reluctantly releases her fingers, pushing himself off the floor and glancing around for the pain pills he knows she needs. He spots the bottle on the counter in the kitchen, grabbing it and a bottle of water for her before settling back in his position on the floor in front of her, ignoring the protest of his legs.

Her eyes are still wide as they settle on his face, pupils dilated with pain, and he wastes no time in popping the lid off of the bottle, dropping one of the round pills into her open palm before offering her the bottle of water.

"Thank you," she whispers softly once she's swallowed the pill, and he manages a genuine smile in return, a carefully placed mask of all the things he's feeling, of all that they've been through.

"Wish there was more I could do," he shrugs, brushing his fingers against hers again, eyes shifting up to hers when she's the one to link their fingers this time.

"It's enough, Castle. This is enough," she murmurs, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

* * *

The medicine works quickly, her eyelashes already fluttering against her cheek a few minutes later and he squeezes her fingers in reassurance, whispers quiet promises to her until her breathing evens out and her body finally relaxes.

He can't help but watch her for the next hour, the careful rise and fall of her chest constantly catching his eyes, proof that she's still very much alive. Her fingers twitch against his, but it's the only movement she makes until the peaceful, painless slumber comes to a blinding halt.

Her body jerks even harder this time than the last, her entire frame contorting as pain ripples through her chest, the cry leaving her lips at the same time that her eyes flash open, and before he can manage any type of soothing, she's ripped her fingers from the tangle of his, grasped his arm instead, her nails digging painfully against the stitches there.

He hisses at the contact, jerking his arm away before he can think better of it, the burn against his tender flesh only intensifying from the movement. He can feel the bloom of blood against his sleeve before he even looks down at his arm, but the look on her face and the furrowing of her brows has his focus shifting completely to her.

"Kate," he tries, the slight twinge in his tone giving too much away, more than he wants her to have to bear right now. He'd rather soothe her instead, attempt to talk her through whatever has her jerking awake so often, but it's immediately evident that she's not going to allow that.

She shakes her head, wide, panic-filled eyes flicking to his before she focuses them on the patch of red that's staining his sleeve, the questions she's not asking already demanding through the silence of the room.

"You're injured?" she questions, finally forcing the words aloud, the concern that's laced in her voice making his heart clench. "Did I-?"

He's shaking his head before she even gets the words out, shifting onto his knees so that he can see her better.

"No...no. Wasn't your fault," he promises, reaching out to squeeze her fingers before pushing himself up off the floor. He can feel the blood seeping through the material of his shirt, needs to take a look at the stitches, but he can see the wheels turning in her head, knows this conversation isn't going to be easy.

"Did something happen after you came to see me that day at the hospital?" she asks, though he's fairly certain that she already knows the answer, if the look on her face is anything to go by.

So he shakes his head in lieu of an answer, swallowing against the nerves that this conversation is bringing.

"Rick," she warns, fingers curling against her chest as she stares at his arm again.

"Beckett, please…" he pleads, because he'll tell her the truth, he will, as long as it's anytime but right now, while she's weak and trying to survive her own demons.

"Tell me," she demands, wrapping the fingers of her other hand around his wrist, eyes searching his face, desperate for answers.

He forces a breath into his lungs, blows it out slowly in a defeated sigh as he squeezes his eyes shut, because he can't look at her and have this conversation at the same time.

"There was a second bullet…the day you got shot—the sniper fired a second shot."

And once the words are out, all of the air in the room seems to cease, his lungs burning in protest as he eases his wrist from her grasp, avoiding her face completely as he retreats to the bathroom, hiding from reality in the way that she taught him best.

* * *

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**And For You**

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

It's not easy, but Castle eventually manages to get his shirt off, the blood soaked sleeve sticking against the stitches on his upper arm. The bleeding is still pretty consistent, but once he's managed to wipe most of it away, it's not quite as bad as it looks, _or feels_. One of the stitches has pulled loose from the gash, but he's fairly certain that with a little pressure and a proper bandage, it'll be okay without having to go have it re-stitched.

He's finds an old, dark colored towel on the bottom shelf of the cabinet next to the sink, manages to awkwardly wrap it around his arm. He applies pressure against the wound, blowing out a breath as he sinks heavily onto the closed toilet seat, squeezing his eyes shut when he hears the soft knock at the door, a barely there sound that he knows probably hurt her more than it was worth.

They need to talk. He knows she needs more than he gave her, but she's so fragile already, and the last thing he wants is to push her further down the rabbit hole than she already is. And he's fairly certain that consoling her is the last thing she's going to let him do.

* * *

"Castle?" she questions impatiently, though her voice is still timid and strained with the evidence of her pain.

And maybe coming there was a mistake, because he's really not sure how much more she can handle right now, and the last thing he wants is to cause her more pain.

Kate pushes the door open before he can collect his thoughts enough to open it for her, concern and question evident on her face even though he can see the way she holds her jaw tight against the wave of pain.

She moves slowly, careful steps that force sharp breaths from her parted lips, and it's enough to have him intercepting whatever it is she thinks she's going to do to help him.

"Kate, you shouldn't be up. I'm fine," he tries for both assuring and assertive, but it comes out a little harsher than he means it, and he wants to blame the throb of pain in his arm, but he's more than a little frustrated with this dance they've been doing.

Something that looks a lot like pain flashes over her eyes, and he's sure it has nothing to do with the bullet hole in her chest. He blows out a frustrated breath, attempting to keep the towel pressed around his arm as he awkwardly rises to his feet, reaching a gentle hand out to wrap his fingers around her arm.

"I'm sorry," he tries for reassuring, keeping his words soft as he draws her eyes away from his arm and up to his face. "I'm okay, really. Just give me a minute to wrap this back up," he asks, nodding towards his arm before finding her eyes again, "and then we'll talk okay?"

He'll refuse to let her help, even if she insists, because one look at her is all he needs to know that she couldn't handle seeing the wound on his arm anyway.

He sighs in relief when she nods in response to his answer, his promise to talk enough to temporarily quiet all of the questions she clearly wants to ask. She lingers for another brief moment, until the silence become too much for both of them, gingerly easing her way out of the bathroom and back towards the couch.

* * *

Castle searches through a first aid kit until he finds a large enough piece of gauze. He eases the soiled towel away from his arm, pleased to find that most of the bleeding has stopped. He tears off a large piece of adhesive tape, using it to secure the gauze over the wound before adding more tape to ensure that the pressure holds and the dressing stays in place.

Once he's cleaned up the mess in the bathroom, he washes his hands and switches off the light, shaking his head when he spots Kate standing by the large window at the other end of the couch.

 _Stubborn woman_.

"Thought you were going to sit back down?" he huffs, bending to unzip his bag and fish out a new t-shirt, managing to ease it on without too much pain.

He's not surprised that Kate has turned to watch him, eyes lingering on the still exposed wrap on his arm.

"It's not bad, Beckett, just a graze," he assures her, nodding towards the couch as he takes a few steps closer.

She ignores his subtle attempt to get her to sit down, shaking her head as she glances back out the window and he can tell by the way she holds her body, stiff and careful, that she's in more pain than she has to be.

"Kate…"

"You got shot while trying to push me out of the way?" she interrupts, not looking at him as she asks her question, though he can hear the increasing tremble in her demanding tone.

"I didn't get shot," he tries, but she whips around to face him, the movement startling her more than him as she reaches out to grip the windowsill when the pain ripples through her chest.

He's at her side in an instant, reaching out to wrap a careful arm around her waist, taking on as much of her weight as she'll allow.

"You need to sit down. Please, before you hurt yourself any more than you already are?"

"I don't want to sit, Castle," she manages through gritted teeth, blowing out a strained breath as she rubs her free hand in soothing circles just below where the bullet entered her chest. "You promised we would talk, and I want some answers. If you aren't willing to give them, then you shouldn't have come here."

She's unrelenting, all detective in the way she demands what she wants, and though he's reluctant, he releases his hold on her when she shoots him a glare.

She eases herself back against the wall, carefully tilting the frame of her body against it as she continues to rub gentle circles over her chest.

"You got shot…" she repeats once the pain has eased a little, and it's not a question, this time, it's a warning. "Walk me through the rest, please?"

"Kate, are you sure you can handle this right now? You're in pain just standing there like that and it's killing me to watch, I-"

"Castle…"

He sighs in defeat, propping himself on the arm of the couch so that he's facing her.

"I saw the reflection off the rifle while you were speaking, but I wasn't quick enough to get to you down before the shots. We're not sure which shot grazed me, but all that really mattered was getting you out of there and keeping you alive."

He pauses to ensure that she's okay, the paleness of her skin causing his brow to crease with worry, but she nods for him to continue, her eyes wide and attentive.

"Lanie stitched my arm up in the waiting room because I refused to leave until we knew you were stable. That's it, Kate. It was just a graze, no big deal."

The vehement shake of her head is enough to break his heart, and he can see the tears in her eyes before they ever escape down her cheeks.

"Of course it's a big deal, Castle. You got shot because you were trying to save me. I don't care if it was just a graze, a bullet touched your skin, I saw the blood a few minutes ago, and nothing about that is okay. Nothing…" she chokes out as the emotions clog her throat, and he can't stay where he is any longer.

He's careful in the way he eases his arms around her, wanting to comfort her as much as he can, but not wanting her to hurt herself if she tries to pull away.

She tenses at the feeling, staring up at him with wide, tear-filled eyes that hold more pain than he's ever seen.

"I'm okay. You're okay. The wounds will heal and so will you. Not going anywhere, Beckett," he both promises and reassures, sighing in slight relief when she sinks against him, her tears painting their grief against his skin.

* * *

 **TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**And For You**

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

When the slight tremble of Kate's legs starts to vibrate through her entire frame, Castle shifts his grip on her just in case. The movement is enough to have her lifting her head from where it's pressed into the side of his neck, his skin and shirt still wet with the evidence of her tears.

"Come on," he says softly, keeping his good arm wrapped around her waist as he gently nudges her towards the couch.

She's hesitant at first, that stubbornness flicking briefly across her face before her legs tremble again and her resolve crumbles.

She nearly stumbles as they start the short walk towards the couch, the movement pitching her into Castle's side as she tries and fails to counter the wave of pain that follows.

"Kate," he huffs worriedly, his grip on her tightening just enough to steady the weakness in her balance that the hole in her chest has caused. And the way her name leaves is lips is suddenly too similar to the day she was shot, the concern and pleading both just as evident.

It's too much. His words flare to life behind her eyelids as she squeezes them shut, the memory so vivid that she'd swear she was back in the cemetery all over again. And somewhere in the blur of everything that happened in between his shout of her name and hitting the ground, _he got shot_ and the stark realization that she could've lost him has his whispered confession lacing around the wounded edges of her fragile heart.

"Hey," he murmurs at her temple, his voice pulling her from the flashback to the present again as he eases her down onto the couch.

The whimper leaves her mouth before she can suppress it, her eyes flashing open to watch the way concern blooms across his face and she knows by the way his brow furrows that he thinks he's hurt her.

"I'm sorry…I— "

"Castle," she cuts him off, taking a slow, careful breath as she reaches out for his hand, thankful that it's not too far away. She squeezes softly, attempting to reassure him, or herself, maybe both.

He starts to kneel down in front of her but she shakes her head to stop him, nodding to the spot beside her on the couch because she's not even sure she can handle this conversation right now, knows she can't if he's looking up at her like he wants to give her the world and heal her wounds at the same time.

* * *

She doesn't realize that she's closed her eyes again until the spot beside her on the couch dips with his weight, the light squeeze of his fingers around hers a reminder that he's waiting for more.

"Did you mean it?" she asks, because she needs to know, but more because they're the only words she can manage when she lifts her eyes to his face.

"Did I—what are you asking me, Kate?" he asks, confusion and curiosity both flashing across his features, and she hates the way his eyes flick to the place between her breasts where the covered scar is hidden before that demanding blue is staring at her again.

Her breath quickens as her nerves get the best of her, chest tightening with the way her battered heart beats against it.

"What you said after you tackled me—before I lost consciousness—did you mean it?" she chokes out, blinking back the moisture that threatens to spill down her cheeks as she tightens her hold on his hand, pleading with him to understand why she couldn't deal with this before, why she almost can't right now either.

His eyes widen, and she watches the hard swallow at the base of his throat, takes a shallow breath of her own when his brows furrow with the realization that she remembers.

When he starts to pull his hand from hers, obviously intending to put some distance between them, she shakes her head, wrapping her fingers as tightly around his as she can manage.

"Rick, please. Please don't shut down on me, I need this…" she pleads, resisting the urge to press the fingers of her free hand to the aching scar on her chest because she knows his eyes will follow the movement and she can't handle it.

He pulls his hand away anyway, though, he's genuinely careful in the way he does so, ensuring that the movement causes her no pain.

"So you can shut down on me and refuse to talk or acknowledge what's happening between us as if it all means nothing, but I can't?" he asks, keeping his tone even, though his frustration is immediately evident.

And he doesn't even realize that the way he's worded it sounds as if he's already answered the question she asked him until he watches her eyes widen and hears the choked exhale that she tries to hide.

"Kate, I didn't—" he tries to retract what he's just said, scrambles to make the words come out the way he intended for them to, but she shakes her head to stop him, glances away as if she wishes she could run from the conversation that she initially thought she could handle.

"It's okay, Castle," she manages, though it's clear that it's quite the opposite from the way her voice trembles. "People say things they don't mean in panicked situations…"

He kneels in front of her before she can manage any more words, reaching out to gently cup her jaw and turn her face towards him, hating the way the hurt flashes across her face, even if he's completely frustrated without her inability to communicate.

She tries to turn away again, but he tightens his hold on her jaw just enough to coax her into listening, smoothing his thumb over her chin before dropping his hand to her lap, tangling their fingers again instead.

"You told me you didn't remember," he starts, because that's what led them here in the first place, and if they're going to work through it, he needs to start at the beginning.

"And me not remembering let you off the hook, right?" she huffs, glancing away again before her eyes flare with something more than pain, bringing her focus back to his face again. "I didn't need your words to be convinced to fight for my life, Castle, and I certainly don't need your pity or whatever it is that brought you here," she chokes out, clutching at her chest this time because the emotions feel like they're burning straight through her heart.

He growls his frustration as he leans closer to her, the vehement shake of his head enough to catch her attention before he curls his other hand at her shoulder, gently bumps his forehead against hers.

He's close enough that her stuttered breath paints a path across his parted lips, and he swallows hard at the urge to kiss her before he's cleared up her very wrong interpretation of what's happening between them.

"Can you honestly tell me, after everything that we've been through, after each step we've taken closer to each other, that you think I didn't mean what I said? You think I came to see you the minute I heard you were awake just for the hell of it?"

He slides the hand on her shoulder up to the back of her neck, his fingers tangling in her hair as his palm presses warmth against the tense muscles there.

"And do you really believe that I drove all the way up here just because I pity what happened to you?" he asks, finally tilting his head back so that he can see her, keeping his hand at the base of her neck.

He waits for the slight shake of her head before he continues.

"I didn't try to push you out of the path of a bullet just because it seemed like the right thing to do, Kate. And I sure as hell didn't tell you that I loved you because I thought you needed a reason to fight. I've watched you fight since the day I met you, hell, you've fought me every step of the way."

He watches the way her jaw clenches with the urge to defend herself, can see the way she swallows the retort that's on the tip of her tongue.

Instead, she takes as deep of a breath as she can manage, forces some of the tension out of her shoulders and nods her understanding of everything he's said because she knows he's not finished yet.

"You told me you didn't remember before, what's changed between then and now? Why do you suddenly need to know if I meant what I said? And before you answer that, yes, Kate, I meant it."

* * *

 **TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

_Apologies for the delay. Life got in the way. If you're still with me, thank you. Enjoy._

* * *

 **And For You**

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

Her breath catches sharply at the assurance of his feelings for her, painfully stuttering out between her parted lips, causing her fingers to press harder against the tender muscles beneath them.

Castle doesn't miss it, too close to ignore the way her face contorts with the throb of pain, and his brow furrows, his fingers gently massaging the tension out of her neck.

"Kate," he murmurs, no accusation in his tone, though she can hear the slight warning mixed with concern. Always concern.

The gentle shake of her head as she bumps it against his is enough to have him pressing closer to her. Too close, and yet, never close enough.

"If you can't handle this right now…" he adds, attempting to let her off the hook, but she's squeezing the fingers he has laced through hers, determined to talk about the things they're so good at ignoring.

She slowly lowers the hand she has pressed against her chest, curls her fingers lightly around his arm, just below the visible bandage there.

"It's too much," she breathes, more of a whispered confession than she means for it to sound and she squeezes her eyes shut when he tenses against her, tightens her hold in spite of the wave of pain when he starts to pull away.

"Not—not this, Castle," she corrects, swallowing against the nerves that fight against her desire to clear things between them.

He's confused, tilting his head back so that he can see her, attempting to understand where she's at.

Her eyes flutter open at the movement, the brush of her fingers over the gauze on his arm causing his own eyes to flutter closed.

"How many times are you going to risk your own life to save mine?" she asks, teeth piercing her bottom lip when his eyes flash open, that determined blue telling her all she needs to know.

"As many times as I'm able to," he assures her, something dangerous flashing across that piercing blue and it scares her a little.

"Partners, Beckett," he adds, narrowing his eyes at the protest he can see forming on her tongue.

"Part of being my partner does not include you risking your life, Castle. It's not your job to save me-"

"Then whose job is it?" he cuts her off, gently knocking her hand away and retracting his other hand from her grasp, pushing to his feet and pacing away from her.

"I'm not a child," she huffs, and it's immediately clear that it's the wrong thing to say, his shoulders visibly rising and falling with the growl of frustration he lets out.

"Clearly," he mumbles, barely loud enough for her to hear, sparking a wave of anger that she really didn't expect.

"I don't need anyone to save me, Rick," she informs him, watching as he whirls around to face her.

Her heart tightens painfully against the wall of her chest, because the look on his face isn't at all what she expected.

"Funny," he starts, and her brow quirks, because nothing about any of this is even remotely funny.

He shakes his head, glances away from her before continuing. "All this time I thought we were saving each other."

And it's true. It's so, so true. And they both know it.

"I'm sure neither of us would've admitted it before, hell, we can barely admit anything now when it comes to the way we feel about each other, but you've been saving me since the day you walked into that library, Kate. And I have no shame in admitting that."

He doesn't turn to look at her again, and she's suddenly thankful for that, because his words have stolen all of the breath from her protesting lungs, but she nearly stumbles off the couch before remembering she's injured when he heads for the door.

"Castle—" she chokes out, unable to force out the words that she knows he needs to hear, but desperate for their conversation not to end like this.

He only shakes his head, pausing with the door halfway open and dropping his forehead against the wooden frame.

"If I hadn't tackled you to the ground, chances are, you'd be dead right now. Maybe you didn't need to be saved, maybe you don't need anyone at all, but there's so much more to it than that. I need you, Kate. And that may not be what you want to hear right now, or ever, but it's the truth."

He doesn't give her a chance to say anything after that, just lingers long enough for her to hear the deep sigh that has his shoulders drooping as he walks out the door, letting it slam closed behind him.

* * *

Her heart aches so deeply as she watches him walk out the door that she knows instantly she would take several more shots to her heart over the feeling, because no matter how much she rubs her fingers over her chest, attempting to soothe the tired, tender muscles, that kind of pain can't be eased that way.

She slumps back against the couch after a few minutes, closing her eyes against a fresh wave of tears, but she doesn't hear his car start, and it gives her just enough hope that he hasn't completely given up on her yet.

She's not quite there yet. Can't fully jump and expect him to catch her when she's barely holding herself together. She won't drag him through the storm of the next few months, but if he's willing to wait…

It's not fair of course. None of this is.

But she doesn't want to lose him this way, would rather not lose him at all, even if that means that she can't have him in the way they both desperately want.

It's enough to have her easing herself up off the couch, her movements stiff and slow as she makes her way to the door, relief flooding through her system when she spots him sitting on the edge of the steps, head bowed into his palms.

He looks… _defeated_. And she hates it.

She quietly pushes the door open, and gently steps down onto the porch, attempting to eliminate as much impact on her chest as she can.

She wants to ease down beside him, let her side press against his and feel the warmth of his body seep into her own, but the idea of it is much better than the reality of it. Getting back up from that would be torture and she's not sure he'd be okay with having her that close right now anyway.

"Rick," she murmurs softly, just loud enough to get his attention, to let him know that she wants to talk about this.

He shakes his head as he lifts it, but he doesn't turn to look at her.

Maybe he can't. Maybe he just won't. Maybe both.

But before she can start any kind of explanation of the way she's feeling, he clears his throat, decides that he has something to say first.

"I've done a lot of stupid things in my life," he starts, pausing to stretch his legs out on the steps. "More than a lot, actually. And ninety percent of them were stupid and potentially life threatening. And I didn't even think about it at the time, had no regard for my life or the people that I would leave behind," he continues, taking a deep breath and blowing it out.

"But this…this thing with you? It's been different since the first time I helped you on a case, since the first time I laid eyes on you, Kate," he shakes his head again, fighting back emotions that she can't see, but then he's pushing himself up, turning to face her and forcing her to feel things that she's tired of fighting.

"Saving your life, having your back, pushing you out of the way of bullets that threaten to steal the breath from your lungs and stop the heart that I can't help desperately loving? That's never going to be something that I wouldn't do over and over again."

His eyes are wide, bluer than she's ever seen them and begging her to understand the drive behind his actions, the reasons for everything he's ever done when it comes to her.

He loves her.

"Castle," she rasps, pressing her hand against her chest as her heart works against the pain to pound out a rhythm that's just for him, just for the way he makes her feel.

But he's already retreating from her, taking her tone entirely wrong, convincing himself that he's only adding to the pain she's in.

"I know, Kate. It's too much," he mumbles, stepping up onto the porch, keeping his distance from where she stands. "I'll just get my bag and go…"

He's halfway through the door when she finds her voice, pitching forward and reaching out the grab his arm in spite of the wave of pain that follows the movement.

She whimpers, her fingers tightening around his arm when the pain threatens to send her to her knees, and it has him abandoning the door, turning back to her with too much concern in his eyes, blaming himself, again.

This has to stop.

"Castle," she tries again, once the sharp stab has started to recede and her voice is a little more than a choked whisper of pain. She needs him to understand. Needs him to know where she's at, where she's trying to be.

"I'll call your dad on my way out, make sure he knows you're going to be alone," he murmurs, gently wrapping his uninjured arm around her waist and attempting to guide her inside.

She huffs at the action, shaking her head at him.

"Stop," she growls, attempting to carefully push away from him without hurting herself. "Just stop, please…"

He does, brows furrowing as he drops his arms to his sides, clearly confused.

"Stop what?" he asks, holding his hands up in a surrender that he doesn't understand.

"Stop blaming yourself. Stop walking away from me. Stop pouring your heart out and making me feel things and then shutting down on me before I can respond to any of it."

He seems pretty determined to walk through this storm with her, and if it's something he thinks he can handle, she's going to let him, because she's so tired of fighting the way she feels.

His mouth falls open at her words, and clearly he wasn't expecting any of that from her.

"What do you want me to do, Kate?" he asks softly, recovering a little quicker than she expected, taking a step towards her.

Her skin freckles with goosebumps as he steps closer, her body reacting in ways that she's denied for so long, and it's really not fair that she won't be able to act on it for a while.

So she settles for something she can do, something that eliminates any talking and explaining and chance of misunderstanding each other. At least for now.

"I want you to shut up and kiss me."

* * *

 _TBC_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thank you so much for sticking with me. Your words on the last chapter were lovely and inspiring. Enjoy._

* * *

 **And For You**

" _And for you, I would bury your burdens deep in the marrow of my bones; just to rid you of any pain you have known. Even if the agony makes me want to scream my heart raw, I will swallow it whole so you think of it no more."_

 _-Natalie Jensen_

* * *

Her back hits the nearest wall of the cabin with a quiet thump, at least that's how she imagines it would be if she wasn't injured.

Instead, Castle's hands gently grip her waist, steadying her balance as she slowly eases back until her back lightly rests against the wood, so much less desperate than she expected their first kiss would be when they finally gave in to each other.

And yet, when his lips brush against hers, it's so much more, and the desperation she wanted changes to pleading.

He's tentative, cautious in a way that makes her eyes flutter closed, her eyelashes brushing both his cheek and hers. He slides one hand up to her jaw, gently cradles her cheek, and somehow, his kiss and his touch, begin to piece the broken parts of her back together.

And she wants more. _Needs_ more.

He doesn't lose control, doesn't take more than she's giving, doesn't do anything but let his lips linger against hers before he gently pulls away, and _no_ , that's not what she wants.

She tries to kiss him again, pushes forward to seal her lips against his again, but he gentles her urgency, drops both hands to her hips again as he eases away.

She huffs at his actions, brows furrowing as she glances up to see confliction written across the lines of his face.

Hesitancy is the last thing she expected when she ordered him to kiss her, and maybe, maybe he's changed his mind.

Maybe the timing is all wrong.

 _Maybe_ …

* * *

"Kate," he calls softly, recapturing her attention and silencing the doubt, brushing his lips over hers again just to ensure that she's with him.

"Sorry," she mumbles, teeth piercing her bottom lip as the worry lingers in the back of her mind.

"Is this really what you want?" he asks, surprising her with the bluntness of his words, even with the softness that he uses to utter them.

She unconsciously presses one of her hands over her chest, her arm trapped between them as she rubs at the aching muscles beneath her shirt.

"Why are you asking me that?" she questions, eyes searching his as she waits for an explanation.

"I just—an hour ago you could barely answer anything I asked you, and seemed pretty determined to keep me at arm's length, and now? I decide to leave you alone and give you the space that you wouldn't ask me for, but clearly wanted, and you ask me to kiss you."

He shakes his head, dropping his hands and leaving her body tingling from the warmth of his touch as he steps away from her, hiding his face in the shadows on the porch.

Something she's all too familiar with. Something she's done to him more times than she cares to admit.

"Castle, look at me," she demands, stepping around him so that she can see the way his brows furrow, like he wants to be stubborn and do the exact opposite of her request, and yet, she doesn't give him the option.

"You've known me long enough now to know that I don't ask for something unless I want it," she starts, arching a brow at him until he nods, acknowledging that it's the truth.

"You nearly took a bullet for me after pulling me out of a hangar where my life would've definitely ended, and then, you told me you loved me as I was gasping for breath, unable to say anything as the life drained out of me. You came here determined to not let me do this alone and have poured your heart out to me more than once. And you really think that I don't want this? That I'm going to let you walk away after all of that?"

She pauses to force a deep, painful breath of air into her lungs, vehemently shaking her head as she reaches for his hand, tangling her fingers with his.

"I may be stubborn, and frustrating, and ridiculous, but I'm not stupid," she huffs, attempting to coax a smile from him, squeezing his hand when he offers her a slight upturn of his lips.

"I'm not promising easy, nothing between us ever has been…"

"That's not completely true," Castle interrupts, releasing her hand in favor of wrapping his arms around her again, brushing his lips over hers when she arches a brow in question.

"This…" he murmurs against her lips, lingering for another moment for emphasis. "This part is going to be a breeze…"

She grins at his words, humming her agreement before gently easing back so that she can see his eyes.

"You are what I want," she assures him, wincing when a sudden wave of pain has a breathtaking ache blooming out across her chest.

Castle shifts his hold on her, wrapping his good arm around her waist, ensuring that she keeps her balance as he turns them towards the door, brows furrowed in concern at the look on her face.

By the time he gets her to the couch, helping her to ease down against the cushions, her face is completely drained of color, her breaths short and sharp as the pain increases.

"Let me get you a pain pill, it's been too long since you've had one," he murmurs softly, squeezing her hand before leaving here there only long enough to collect her pills and a bottle of water, returning to kneel in front of her.

He places one of the pills in her palm and hands her the open bottle, rubbing soothing circles over both of her knees until she hands him the bottle back, closing her eyes against another wave of pain.

* * *

The silence lingers as her breaths slowly regulate again, a bit of her color returning as she relaxes against the cushions of the couch, and Castle slides one of his hands over hers, reminding her that he's there for whatever she needs.

Her eyes flutter open at the movement, and she brushes the fingers of her free hand over the one he still has resting on her knee.

"Staring is creepy, Castle, we've been over this before," she huffs, and he can still hear that twinge of pain in her voice, though she smirks at him, attempting to lighten the mood.

"Just trying to figure out if you're going to turn pale and almost pass out every time you confess feelings to me…" he retorts, and he's definitely teasing, but she can see the worry that creases his forehead, can read the doubts behind the reassuring blue of his eyes.

"Rick, I—" she starts, but he's already shaking his head before she can get the rest of the words out, easing off of the floor to join her on the couch.

He's careful not to jostle her, though, she looks about as uncomfortable as she could get and he's mentally brainstorming ways to ease the discomfort even as he responds to whatever apology she was about to give him.

"I was only kidding, Kate, but I'm going to be realistic here. If pursuing a relationship with you is going to put added stress on your recovery, I'm going to back off. I came here to help you through this, to hopefully talk about some of the things we've danced around, but not to push you more than you can handle."

She slips her fingers into the spaces between his, gently tugs to get him to come closer and he obliges, sliding an arm carefully around her shoulders and letting the warmth of his body seep into hers.

"I need you to push me, Castle," she murmurs, leaning into his side as the medicine finally starts to kick in, allowing her to move a little more freely without the immediate pain response.

"Look at the progress we've made since you got here. It's because you pushed when you knew that it was the only thing that was going to get us somewhere."

He can't resist pressing his lips against her temple for that, lingering when she shifts even closer.

"I'll admit that taking the risk definitely worked out this time, but Kate, I can't handle seeing you in pain, especially not when I'm the cause of it," he admits, easing his hold on her when she lifts her head so she can look at him.

"Castle, I got shot. You're going to see me in pain plenty of times if you stay here with me. It's inevitable," she explains, sliding her hand over his arm and gently squeezing to reassure him. "You don't have to worry about hurting me if you push for us. I want this. I want you. And the only thing that would hurt more than this hole in my chest at this point, would be losing you."

Of all the times he's ever imagined Kate Beckett saying that she wants him, this tops them all, his heart pounding out that familiar rhythm of love for her against the wall of his chest.

* * *

"Castle?" her voice pulls him from his thoughts back to the present, and he realizes based on the questioning look on her face, that he must have been silent for too long.

He trails his fingers down her arm, swirling soothing patterns along the visible skin that's not hidden beneath her sleeve, smirking at the goosebumps that freckle there in wake of his touch.

"Sorry," he murmurs, finding her eyes with the reassurance of his own, keeping her close. "Not used to you being so open, keeps catching me off guard," he explains, brushing his lips to her cheek in a silent thank you.

Her huff of annoyance drifts across his neck when she presses her face there, and he lifts his fingers to her neck, gently massages the tense muscles there.

"It's okay, Kate."

"No, it's not," she grumbles, tilting her head to look up at him. "You deserve so much more than what I've given you over the years. I've been selfish because…"

"Because you needed to be," he interrupts, keeping his fingers at her neck.

She frowns at that, bites at her bottom lip before answering. "Maybe that's true, but I know I hurt you in the process and that was never what I wanted. If I…"

"Kate," he interrupts again, sliding his hand around to her jaw, brushing his thumb over her lips, erasing the what if's that are still ready to burst out.

"No more what if's. No more apologies. Look where we are right now…do I look hurt or unhappy?" he asks, feathering his fingers at her jaw, pressing his grin to the corner of her mouth before he pulls back to allow her to answer.

She softens at that, letting his reassurance wash through her, but a little more never hurt anyone.

"I'm not sure I'm getting an accurate reading," she murmurs softly, attempting to hide the smirk flirting at the edges of her lips. "Perhaps there's something you could do to convince me completely…"

He's already leaning in, grinning like he's just received the best gift ever, and the way he presses his lips to hers says it all.

* * *

 _TBC_


End file.
